Breaking News: Mitt Romney to Drop Bid for President

Mitt quit! Mitt quit! Mitt quit!….

Mitt “I Quit” Romney campaign insiders have leaked to a credible news agency that Mitt, fed up with the constant accusations from foremost competitor, midget McCain, Mitt Romney finally tossed in his hat. This appears to be a weak excuse and it is believed that the insiders track is rumbling that that soon to be launched, explosive, damaging investigation into Mitt “I Quit” Romney’s finances and highly questionable investments in years past may well prove to be devastating. He conceded that despite his past success as a venture capitalist and his unmatched ability to suck blood out of a turnip and make decisions that are best for shareholders, despite any devastation experienced by employees and other stakeholders at the opposite end of the billy club, Mitt finally admitted that he is not at all qualified to be president of the United States. Now that Mitt “I Quit” Romney has conceded that he will, in the coming weeks, no longer be a viable presidential candidate, he reluctantly admitted to a source close to the Mitt “I Quite” campaign, that his old-school good looks (white men with no lips, a nervous smile and beady eyes are no longer thought to be “handsome” by those that follow the baby boom generation), high net worth and strong Mormon beliefs were not nearly sufficient to guide him in such an important role.

Although Mitt “I Quit” Romney had previously defended his tendency to “flip flop” on a number of important issues, he admitted that his imprinting as a capitalist pig simply does not allow him to be compassionate at a level that that would at least take into consideration the health and well being of less fortunate Americans. He went on to explain that his economic instincts, combined with the beliefs of the Morman faith (Black people are animals, monkeys, or something like that…whatever it was, they were not allowed to join the Mormon church), would simply drive his already personally long-held beliefs that poor people are poor because they are lazy, shiftless and unwilling to carry their own weight. He rhetorically stated, “After all, this is America. We can ALL work hard and become billionaires, can’t we?”

The bottom line is that Mitt is a capitalistic pig, Mormon (sure, he is downplaying his faith now (once a Mormon, always a Mormon) and basically untrustworthy, as proven by his inability to stick to a consistent message.

…and then I woke up…damn, those dreams of mine!